Pride in relationships
Hey friends,
Relationships are hard, all of them. With family, friends, a spouse, heck even your relationship with your dog can be hard sometimes. There’s a lot that goes into a healthy and successful relationship: both parties have to make an effort, you might have to sacrifice some things, you have to give them the attention they need even if you don’t want to in the moment, you have disagreements/arguments… Bottom line, relationships take WORK.
What’s the one thing (for the most part) that people say is most important in a relationship, other than love? Communication. Right? It’s so important to be aware of communication in a relationship, particularly in a romantic relationship. Joe and I used to be awful at communication, like AWFUL. But we learned pretty quickly while dating long distance for a year. And while I will say that communication is extremely important and can cause problems in a relationship, I think that there’s a deeper problem. Communication issues is kind of like the top of the iceberg, but underneath lies the bigger problem: PRIDE. Also known as selfishness.
It’s our natural behavior as humans to be selfish and worry about ourselves. It’s not always a bad thing to be prideful, but often times, it can lead to issues in a relationship. Examples? We’re being prideful when we think about our own feelings before our significant other. We’re being prideful when we put the blame on our spouse without examining whether we are to blame too. We’re being prideful when our hearts are hard and we don’t allow humility or understanding to enter into it. We’re being prideful when we notice something is up with our spouse, yet we’re too stubborn to ask what’s up.
So many times I hear, “Our relationship would be so much better if he could just communicate better.” Am I right or am I right? I definitely am guilty of saying this about my husband! But what if the problem isn’t that he isn’t capable of communicating, but that he FEELS LIKE he can’t because of the way we react? I think that we’re all guilty of this issue. And if you’re not, then teach us your ways. The nice thing is that it’s totally normal to be prideful and it’s normal to think of ourselves before other people. But that doesn’t make it right, or something that will create a healthy relationship.
SO okay you got me. I’m prideful. How do I change? How do I make things better? I think there’s a couple steps to take that can help us all out. I myself have taken these steps and I’ve noticed a difference in my relationship with Joe.
The first… you have to RECOGNIZE the problem.
Owning up to the fact that you might be prideful or selfish is a HUGE step in the right direction. It’s not always easy to admit, (jk it’s NEVER easy) but once you do, your heart starts to soften and you can see things a little more clearly.
Second, we have to have a SINCERE DESIRE to change.
Odds are, if someone doesn’t really want to change their behavior, they’re not going to. But be careful not to try to change the other person for them. The only person you can control is yourself, so stick to that. If you’re thinking, “I don’t think I can change, I feel like it’s just the way I am,” then you are SO WRONG. As soon as you tell yourself “I’ll change” and actually mean it, you’re already changing.
Third… you have to take responsibility for your actions, sis.
If you’ve been a bit of a beezy and you’ve taken steps one and two to recognize it, then it’s time to own up to it. A simple apology will do the trick. It’s easy to play the blame game, especially in our society today, but that really won’t get you anywhere in the long run. You’ll just end up back to where you started. Owning up to the problem and taking responsibility will definitely create a sense of peace in your relationship and the contention will slowly start to dissolve.
Lastly, you have to be conscious of it every day.
Making an effort every single day is going to be the most important thing. Intentionally asking your spouse how they’re doing, taking time to reflect on your character/actions, going out of your way to clean up the house, bringing them a surprise drink at work, leaving them a note, planning a special date night. After all, it’s the little things that matter most.
Being intentional and taking the time to think about what the other person needs is pretty much the best thing that you can do to get rid of that selfish attitude! It’s important to remember too that it’s going to take time, and it’s going to be hard, and you’re going to have to try. Everyday you’re going to have to try. But it’s SO worth it and I promise that your relationship or marriage will be that much better. I’m not a marriage counselor, I’m not a psychologist, but I am a wife and I am a human being who is imperfect. I’ve experienced how pride and selfishness can make things hard in mine and Joe’s relationship, on both of our ends, and there’s been a lot of trial and error to fix it.
It’s the beauty of loving another person, friends. It’s all about the sacrificial love that keeps things going. I hope that what I’ve shared has helped you in even the slightest way - please know that you are special and you are worthy of a healthy, happy, and loving relationship.